Monday, 24 October 2016

Finding your way

Sometimes we find ourselves struggling to focus on the good that is in our lives.  I know I do.  Daily.  I know there are some people who might consider me to be a negative person.  First of all,  I personally dislike the use of the words negative and positive when describing a person. I think this is because it can depend on that persons circumstances and situation which then may make them come across in a certain way. Having said that, I must admit that I do on occasion use those phrases.

As some of you will already know, I have struggled for around 8 years with pretty much daily headaches and migraines since undergoing brain surgeries to deal with haemorrhage,  aneurysms and most recently a brain tumour.

Seriously...... You could. Not. Make. It. Up.

I have some good weeks, where I may just experience what I call a background headache with a little bit of tightness in my temples here and there, which generally I am able to ignore and so go about having a reasonably normal day. But I also get weeks were I have a level 10 headache and/or migraine practically every day. I will sometimes have a pretty bad run with those kind of weeks and have recently just come out of around 3 weeks worth.

During much of that time with which I am in a lot of pain - not just with the actual headache, but also neck and shoulder  pain, I am utterly miserable, and no amount of reminding myself of the good in my life can pull me from the mixture of negative emotions I am experiencing. I cannot begin to tell you how useeless it makes me feel, not just as a mum and a wife,  but just as "me".

Call me old fashioned, but I like to make sure that the house is  clean and tidy, that the ( actually endless) supply of laundry is done and that there is always a decent meal for when Max and Matt are home from college or work. I feel like the home is completely down to me as because of my headaches and migraines I am unable to work. I mean, seriously, who will employ someone on the basis that they may only actually turn up once a week? So when those basics get missed because I am literally unable to do anything, down I go again.

I am constantly trying to discover new ways to treat migraines.  Part of the issue for me is that I don't really have a set pattern with them. I can't really seem to find any obvious triggers for them and I am in a constant quandry over the amount and frequency of pain killers I should be taking. Standard over the counter pain killers don't really do anything for me when I have a particularly bad headache and certainly don't help with migraine.  I have a Triptan drug prescribed to me specifically for migraine but I am in the midst of battling to see a headache specialist to sort out a proper regime when it comes to the frequency of which I can takes these drugs, as, astoundingly, my GP doesn't know. 
I have tried preventative drugs such as Amitriptyline (anti depressant) and Propranolol (beta blocker) - both of which did not work. The  next drug they want me to take is an anti epileptic drug which, aside from it's side effects, is something you really cannot take if there's any chance you could fall pregnant. Matt and I are still trying on that front! So with the Neuro department refusing me an appointment with their headache specialist I'm effectively being penalised because of not wanting to try another pretty hard core drug. 

Every so often, someone will mention the "daith" piercing as  miracle cure. I've read so much stuff about this and I just don't believe the hype I'm afraid. I'm not saying it hasn't worked for some who have been suffering with headaches, and I appreciate that we all have different pain thresholds,  but unless you've ever experienced a migraine proper, with all due respect, you really don't have a clue. 

I think it's easy for some to look at me, even after reading this, and still be like, "oh, she's a negative person" or think that I spend my life complaining and moaning about it all, and I understand that it can perhaps come across in that way. But I would perhaps just ask for those of you who have someone in their life who they consider to always be moaning or being negative, to just have a think about it for a minute. Do you know what is actually going on in their day to day life? Not just the stuff they might present on social media. Do you actually even care enough to try and find out? Perhaps you might even consider offering help, even in a small way. Like sending them a little message to actually ask how they are. 

Negativity can spread like wildfire. You can put a negative status on your fb page without really going into detail and it can be hugely misinterpreted (I know this from personal experience) - and instead of people trying to ask what's wrong, they then go off with negative thoughts about you and it all just goes round in circles. I've seen a few people's posts on fb that suggest they're not in the best places right now and so I've messaged privately to ask if I can help in any way. So what if they're people I may not have seen for years? So what if I don't actually end up in a big conversation about it all? I know that in a small way I may have helped someone to feel a bit better that day. 

I'm on my own pretty much all day most days. So I know that I probably have a bit too much time on my hands to think about the stuff that gets me down. And there are plenty of time that it seems to be that my pea brain is all i talk about. But I have come to realise that that does not define who I am. 

I can only ever do my best with each day as it is given to me and so I try to remember that. 

I know that all though there are times that I feel like giving up completely, I have got blessings in my life. 

And i do know that although I stumble here and there, I  will eventually find my way. 

The next song on my play list - Jess Glynne - hold my hand

Word of the day ;


  1. a feeling of guilt or moral scruple that prevents or follows the doing of something bad.

    "Sandra downed 4 bottles of wine without compunction"

    synonyms:scruples, misgivings, qualms, worries, uneaseuneasiness, hesitationhesitancydoubts, reluctance,reservations; 

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