Clear for another Year

Yesterday I received the news that my MRI scan had come back "All clear. No tumour."

Just waiting for confirmation in writing, but hopefully, this means I won't need another MRI check up for another year. Yay me. 


WORD OF THE DAY: Terraqueous
                                                                                                  adj - Consisting of land and water




THE NEXT SONG ON MY PLAYLIST:  
                                                                 Needtobreathe - Happiness

I'm Building a Website

Here we are at the end of another weekend. It always seems to go so fast. 

Last night we watched "Criminal" with Kev.. - Kev Costner. Pretty good film. Ryan Reynolds is in it too (albeit short-lived). I am trying to build up the courage to see "Me Before You". It's based on a book of the same title by JoJo Moyes. Even now, just thinking about the story and the trailer for the film I get a bit choked up. And then, whenever I hear "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran, which is on the film's soundtrack and which features in the trailer, I am generally having to stamp my feet and puff my cheeks out to stop myself collapsing into a snot wreck. So if and when I finally watch the film I will probably be uncontactable for about a week due to the utter heartbreak of watching the story unfold. Sooooo weak. Any of you lot seen it yet??? 

Last week was relatively uneventful, which is fine for me and my brain. Max had a check up with his consultant and his leg is doing fine. Still a tiny bit of bone healing to do but really nothing to worry about. The next step really is to get some serious exercising going on to build up muscle definition in that leg as there's not enough there right now - especially when you compare it to his other leg. So, swimming will be the first thing on the agenda. We are very lucky to have a small (but well equipped) gym in our village with a swimming pool. It's not about the posturing and grunting that goes on in other gyms, and so as a starting place for Max it will be ideal. 

Amongst the usual day to day stuff and a couple of bad head days, I did 3 product reviews for The Libbie Club (part of Glamour Magazine) and so I've decided to start putting together a web page for all things beauty. I kind of thought that for the boys who might read my blog, that sheet masks, serums and mascara may not necessarily be of much interest - unless they're looking for gift ideas for the Mrs - at which point they can have a little look on the other website specifically. I am building the page myself and so as it is a little bit more sophisticated than just a basic blog page, may take a little bit of time. But it's great to be learning something new, even if it is taking HOURS to do just one little section! I think it's all in the editing for me. I can be a bit indecisive and I really want it to look good. So having spent the last few days working on that, there's really not much else to report. By all means take a note of the web address www.liveandlovebeauty.com

Men can also share in the delight of getting sheet faced

Late last night saw the (hopefully very brief) return of the monster that is vertigo. FFS. Seriously. I thought it had buggered off. Nope. And today has mostly been spent in bed with one of the idiot squad, Bert. A migraine, nausea and staggering around like a drunk again. Of course, Matt has looked after me and is getting dinner ready as I type. 
I never heard from my consultant about my MRI results last week, so that's on my to-do list for tomorrow. 
So, for now, I'm going to have my dinner and get sheet faced!

I hope you have all had a good weekend and hope that you are all healthy and happy. Thanks for popping in - see you soon.  xoxo

WORD OF THE DAY: Magnanimous - Adj 

     Generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness 

~~~~~

THE NEXT SONG ON MY PLAYLIST: 

ROB BASE & DJ E-Z ROCK - IT TAKES TWO

(Click and be transported back to 1988)!   

MRI Scan

So last night I had my follow up MRI scan on my little, sore brain.

At the moment, I have to have these scans repeated yearly to make sure the tumour I had removed in 2015, hasn’t started to grow back.

It’s not my favourite experience in the world, but it is a necessity. Luckily, Matt was able to be with me as it was an evening appointment.

I filled up on Rescue Remedy and I went to town and added in another Bach Flower Remedy, White Chestnut, which is for helping get rid of repetitive, negative thoughts and promote positivity and tranquility. 

I won’t go into too much detail about the type of repetitive and unwanted thoughts I have when I allow myself to think of laying in the MRI tunnel. Let’s just say it involves not being able to get to a toilet… Please go ahead and have a little snigger about that. I do once I’m out of the panic phase. I think it’s the actual build up and waiting around that is my worst time. Once I’m in, I’m usually ok. I always have to have a contrast dye injected into my arm as well after the first few images have been done. I don’t have a needle phobia or anything but I do have a bit of a hard time with the nurses trying to find my veins. They are very deep and sometimes I have to get stabbed a few times before they hit gold. Urgh….

If any of you have not been lucky enough to have had an MRI before, they’re not the quietest, to say the least. Even with the ear plugs in. Plus there’s usually a bit of vibrating and shaking going on too..... Or is that just me? Ha. I imagine the bit that freaks people out the most is the mask/helmet thing you have to wear when you’re having your head scanned. Somewhat claustrophobic. And certainly not a great look! Oh and good luck if you get an itchy nose!
 

Anyway. Hoping to have the results back in about a week, so please feel free to keep things crossed or indeed send up a little prayer that it all comes back clear.

Word of the day:    Jubilate - verb - To Rejoice

The Next Song on My Playlist: 

Needtobreathe feat. Gavin DeGraw - Brother  (click & have a listen)

 

Max's Birthday

 

On Sunday Max turned 17.

I cannot believe how the time has flown by. And yet, most times that he had to have his leg in a frame, time almost seemed to stand still. I guess the saying "time flies when you're having fun" kind of makes a bit more sense now.

I hate that the good times in life seem to fly by. We really have to remind ourselves sometimes to have as many good times as we can and actually appreciate those times even more when they do happen. We often have so much going on and for some of us it's difficult to focus on the good stuff but I think this can be said for most of us at some point in our lives.

On Saturday, we enjoyed some lovely, sunny and warm weather at Max's grandparents' house for a family BBQ. I know that Max had a really lovely day so thank you to those that were able to make it.

Matt and I were knackered on Saturday night!

So we now have to start thinking about and planning for Max to start driving lessons. He's not yet ready as he is still wearing a plaster brace on his leg following his surgery last October, but hopefully only another week to go! Then it's just a case of getting the "driving lesson mortgage" sorted out.

He is so very much looking forward to finally being able to start his college course in September. For those of you that don't know, Max would like to become a Conservationist. I think working at Durrell (Jersey Zoo) is his first goal. Who knows where it could lead? I love it that he is trying to follow his dream. We all know that there's not huge amounts of money to be earned in working with animals, but money is not the be all and end all. Living in a jungle, counting Orangutans sounds pretty damn good if you ask me. I'm sure they're a lot easier to deal with than most people in this world! Ha. But seriously, Matt and I (and others that know him too, of course), would have our hearts filled with such pride and joy to be able to see him achieve this dream. After all he has been through so far in life, he deserves all the happiness in the world.

Max enjoying his BBQ with his "Popsey"


 

 WORD OF THE DAY: Tickety-Boo, adj - British Informal: Fine; ok.

The Next Song On My Playlist: 

Thirty Seconds to Mars - Closer To The Edge 

 

 

 

 



M.I.A.

 

 I’ve been MIA for about a week so I really thought I should be getting back to this.





First of all I want to briefly mention the loss of one of my idiot squad yesterday. Daphne. My little beauty. One of the best cats I ever had. We had a very very special bond. From her initial “runt of the litter” days where she ended up having to be hand fed by yours truly, to giving me her undying love on days where I literally could not get out of bed. This little lady (as dramatic as it may sound), has played a huge part in saving my life. So, to get even more cheesy about it, we kind of saved each other. I just had to save her in a different way this time. From suffering. Such a very hard decision.

My little, soft, fluffy, short-legged Ginger wally made it to 12 years old, a very respectable age for a cat and she is already so greatly missed by all of us. RIP Daphers…. Save some cuddles for me up there. X

 



 

I hate looking like a boiled egg

Hello All

So following on from my post about my mental health situation, I was amazed at the response I received. It’s very encouraging to get such positive feedback. So thanks to all that let me know their thoughts. I don’t know if you know, but you get a dashboard thingy on your blogger account which gives you an overview of stats like how many people have looked at your page and also which countries they’re in. According to my dash, I’ve had 603 page views since my first post. I’m actually pretty impressed with that.

So today, I just thought I’d have a little waffle about nothing too serious as I think my post the other day was probably quite enough of a read to keep you all going for a bit. My head hasn’t been great the past few days. As some of you already know, I suffer from migraines and severe headaches most days. And I really mean most days. No exaggeration there. The weather can really affect me which is somewhat of a pain in the arse considering that we often get that high pressure stuff. Anyway, despite attempts with several drugs to try and prevent them, the migraines are still winning.

On top of which, since the start of March I have had this flu type viral thing THREE times. Three!! I also have had the deep joy of getting Vertigo with it. It’s been really horrible. And, just because I have that, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still the migraines too. Matt and I tried out this manoeuvre I’d found out about whilst googling about vertigo. We tried it out. If I hadn’t been so distressed by the room spinning, then I guess I would have been laughing my head off at the seeming ridiculousness of it all. But good old Dr Maff sorted me right out. Haha. Have a look at the video on YouTube here. (opens in new window)

So having carried out this procedure (the Epley manoeuvre), the spinning actually did stop. Unfortunately, I still have the feeling of being on a boat. I’m worse in the mornings. I pretty much stagger around like a drunk for the first couple of hours. Pin balling off everything including walls and doorframes. I usually wake with a headache too. So, after a coffee, bit of brekkie, couple of pain killers and a small cuddle with a couple of the idiots, I start to feel half human.

I think that’s why I love my beauty products. Hair and makeup can make you feel loads better. Certainly helps you look loads better if nothing else. I think I’m a little bit old fashioned in that I like to have a bit of makeup on and attempted to sort my hair out for when Maff comes home. Even if I have sat in my pyjamas most of the day with no makeup on. Looking like a boiled egg.

This sort of leads on to talking about my venture into the trying out of some new kinds of skincare and makeup that I’ve read a little about in the past, and somehow have become slightly obsessed with. I love the idea of the organic, natural, paraben and silicone free beauty products that seem to be all the rage, particularly as I can be prone to bouts of cystic acne on my chin (thanks PCOS) -  but I do get the hump about the prices we have to pay for these things. So, this is where Korea comes in! I know that they’ve been going with that whole ethos for a long long time, and I think the West are only really just trying to catch on. From Bee Venom to Snail Slime enzymes included in a big range of the products I’ve been reading up on you can’t get more natural ingredients than those! So I have already received my first lot of products to try. Some of the pictures are on my Facebook (opens in new window) page and my Instagram (opens in new window) page but I will be doing reviews on here too. Once I figure out how to add pages that are clickable I’ll be adding more. (Sorry, I’m totally doing the self-teaching thing on web pages etc. so could be a painfully slow process). There’s a really decent range of brands to choose from and there are subsequently different pricing ranges too but I have found, thus far, that even with the cost of shipping, you still get far more for your money than when you’re trying to buy the Western brand versions.

Korean Sheet Mask

I actually have already managed to get myself linked to a couple of suppliers of Korean beauty products (which are in the left hand column). Skin18.com and Q-depot.com. My very first haul of goodies came from skin18 and I was over the moon with the deals they have on their site. I hope to be getting some stuff from Q-Depot soon too. So far with them, though, in just setting up my account with them they have been really lovely with great service and response time. I have also, today been accepted onto a couple of other affiliate accounts, namely Benefit Cosmetics (always loved their stuff) and Origins too. I’m waiting to hear if I’ve got in with Bare Minerals, there’s a couple of their products that I will definitely be recommending! I’m hoping I may even be able to get some freebies to try out and review! Joining up as an affiliate for some brands is my way of trying to have a little bit of a "job". I cannot go out to work because of my head. Be assured though - i will be giving 100% honest and impartial reviews on stuff. Promise!

Having a little pamper is great for me but the other thing that I love is having a little sing up. I will listen to pretty much any type of music. So, as well as my word of the day, I will also include “the next song on my playlist”. I’d love to hear what the next one on your playlists are. Let me know in the comments below.

Anyhoo… that’s about all for now. If you’re not dying of boredom, please add your email below for notifications of new posts. Please feel free to get others having a read, and feedback is greatly appreciated. Cheers. X

THE NEXT SONG ON MY PLAYLIST: Gym Class Heroes Feat Adam Levine - Stereo Hearts (opens in new window)

WORD OF THE DAY:  Furphy   (noun, fur-fee) - Australian, a false report, rumour                 

 

Affiliate links marked with a * 

                                    

         

Mental Health

 As we are currently in the midst of Mental Health Awareness Week, I thought it would be an ideal opportunity to share a little about my own mental health. I’ve undergone several brain surgeries since 2007, my most recent being Feb 2015 and I can honestly say that I am very much aware of how my mental health has subsequently been affected.

To be honest, as "The English” – there are several topics that we just don’t like to talk about or even really acknowledge. Mental health issues are certainly one of those subjects.

I was warned by my surgeon when having to undergo my first open brain surgery that my personality could well be affected. The general expectation would be that (assuming nothing went wrong during surgery), it was more than likely that I would become either a) a more aggressive person or b) a more sensitive person – likely to take things more personally and feel more hurt or upset by things. Well for me, it’s certainly been the latter. Having undergone 2 further open brain surgeries since then, it’s even more apparent.

On top of this, I have suffered with panic attacks and anxiety issues alongside periods of feeling very down. Some might even say periods of depression.

Panic attacks, for me, are something that I honestly hope others don’t have to ever experience in their lifetime. Actually – scrub that – I would like everybody to experience one in their life so that they may have a little bit of empathy towards those who do suffer. The only way that I can describe the feeling that rushes over and consumes me is that of genuine fear. How I would imagine it feels if you are going to be murdered. My heart feels like it’s going to explode, my breathing rate goes crackers, my hands go numb followed by tingly sensations. I sweat. I feel like I’m going to pass out and there’s times where I’ve almost (quite literally) not made it to the toilet. It’s really not fun. Especially if you’ve ever been driving up the A1 on your own at the time. The old breathing into a paper bag trick does actually help. It’s something to focus on if nothing else. But not entirely practical when you’re trying to pull over so you can rummage around in your bag.

I have had periods of time where I have been relatively panic free but I still have anxiety issues that seem to come from nowhere. For no real reason. Like, if I want to pop into Tesco’s. Seriously. I read somewhere that supermarkets are one of the main places for people to have a bit of a wobble. Something to do with no windows and the lights they have in there. Unfortunately – and please be ready for a wee bit of TMI,  my main problem with these anxiety episodes involve me needing to find a toilet. The Tesco toilet in Royston and I are very very well known to each other.  

I will often get this before I’ve even been able to leave the house. So even if my head isn’t playing up too much, my guts are. I’ve had many a time that my main daily intake has consisted of Imodium and/or Peppermint capsules. It’s basically like a form of ibs that’s caused by an anxiety that I might not even be registering in my brain.

Most people who’ve spent any time with me in general situations like standing in a queue, waiting in the Dr’s waiting room or being in the hospital environment know that I’m a “rocker”. Either standing up or sitting down – I’m not fussed. My best friend of nearly 30 years just refers to me as “doing an Arthur Fowler”….. “you’re doing an Arthur, dear” followed by “I’ve stolen the Christmas club money Pauline”. Some of you MUST remember that! Haha.

I have a couple of friends who have suffered with mental health issues over the years, Bulimia being one of them. My other friend is suffering with something that generally people assume would make you a lunatic. It’s called Borderline Personality Disorder. When she told me she had been diagnosed, my instinct was to tell her basically, “right-oh. Let me go and read up about that so I can help or understand what’s been happening to you”. Her response…. “You’re the ONLY person who has said that”. Now – I know it’s not something she’s announced from the rooftops so there wouldn't be a million people she'd told, but I had to ask myself why? Why was I the only one who actually wanted to go and have a little research session on something before making assumptions? Why would I NOT want to do my best to understand my friend's mental state? Someone I care about is dealing with a pretty tough mental health problem. Is there anything i can do? Ask yourself the same question.

Needless to say that I have been given a few medications to try over the years but nothing has really helped as an all-rounder and so at the moment I’m just getting a nice drop of Rescue Remedy down me as and when I might feel a bit anxious.

I mentioned it all once to the brain surgeon I was under originally at Addenbrookes Hospital in Cambridge – Mr Kirkpatrick. A very experienced Neurosurgeon at the top of his game. He basically pointed out that even people who have never undergone any form of brain trauma suffer from anxieties and panic attacks so I shouldn’t feel so bad about it. He also announced that if it was up to him, he’d give me a slap round the head and tell me to just pull myself together. He then admitted that that was perhaps why he had failed his exams in Psychiatry. Great. Thanks for that.

Now – as much as this whole battle seems to be about me, it’s not. Those who are around you also have to deal with the fallout. The general stress that is created for them to cope with. The missed days out. Even just something as simple as going for a walk in the lovely countryside that we are blessed to be living in can become a rollercoaster for everybody. The turning around to go home because I think I’ll die from crapping myself. Ha. It’s a flippin nightmare for all concerned. I certainly have the support from my Maff and my Max but I know that’s it’s bloody hard work for them too.

To this end I am awaiting an appointment so that I can actually get onto the waiting list to see a Psychologist. I would very much like to try some cognitive therapy. The chances are I’ll end up having to pay to see someone privately but it’s worth a go. I find it tremendously important for people to be able to talk about their feelings, especially with their family, friends and loved ones without the “shame” that I think so many people feel if they’re not conforming to “normal behaviour, feelings or emotions”.

I’m definitely a little softer in the middle than I used to be and I guess that sometimes makes it easier for the arseholes in this world to think you’re just a bit of a fruitcake who deserves no respect or compassion. Or for people to just make assumptions about you without ever really taking the time to at least try and understand where you’re coming from or what you might be going through every day. I don't have the "normal" life that I used to have. I don't even have the "luxury" of being able to go to work anymore with the amount of migraines and severe headaches I have. But make no mistake about it – I know I am one of the lucky ones. I was on a ward several times over the years where I was face to face with others who had not come out of their surgeries or causes for surgery as seemingly unscathed as me. I would get so annoyed whenever I was asked the basic questions to check that my brain still worked properly – especially maths questions! But there were women who couldn’t even talk anymore. Didn’t even know what day it was. Some who couldn’t feed themselves and whose light seemed to have gone from their eyes.

In the end though, the light in my eyes is still very much there. Still burning. I’m not out yet. And I am definitely still “me”.

PS - if you can, have a watch of Louis Theroux's A Different Brain on iPlayer here

WORD OF THE DAY

Embonpoint

(French, ahn-bawn-pwan)

noun   Excessive plumpness; stoutness